Making the Most of Laurel Park’s Final Season

Photo illustration by Richard Friend

Before I share my horse racing wisdom with you, please consider my credentials. I was born in a Baltimore hospital across from Pimlico Race Course and grew up a short trot away from the track. For nearly 40 years, I’ve lived five miles west of Laurel Park. Given these two facts, many people have long thought of me as a horse racing connoisseur. That makes them kinda wrong. In fact, by my estimation, I’ve attended approximately zero races in my life. Enough about my credentials.

With Laurel racing ending soon, I knew this past April was time to end my non-attendance streak and visit the track. I was shocked. It was nothing like I expected.

What I was told: As a special welcome, first-time patrons may race horses on the track, to the sound of deafening applause, while other customers shower them with fifty-dollar bills.

What really happened: They weren’t bills; they were rocks. Painful rocks, thrown hard. I was clearly misinformed! I wish I had someone like me for helpful advice.

As a grossly underqualified rock-battered racing expert, I want to encourage readers to visit Laurel Park before it is too late. Here are some fun facts to help prepare for your day:

• Horse racing is the number one spectator sport in the country, just behind baseball, football, basketball, hockey, and soccer. Technically, I suppose that makes it the number five sport. Number six, if you’re really good at counting.

• Horses can reach speeds of 40–45 mph during a race, just like the guy in front of you in the left lane on the DC beltway.

• Horses are extremely responsive to music. When Seattle Slew won the Triple Crown, he listened to early Little Feat before each race.

• Horses have a special locking mechanism in their legs and can sleep lying down or standing up. You can buy this mechanism at Home Depot for $8.95 and have it surgically installed in your own legs for $19,000.

By this point, my level of expertise is probably very obvious to you. Painfully obvious, perhaps. For your first-time visit to the track, I hope these tips help you enjoy a fun and profitable day.

• Don’t press your face against a betting window. You don’t know where it’s been.

• Horses are paranoid, so don’t engage in horse whispering. It makes them think you’re saying bad things about them and they get irritable.

• Bring binoculars. If you don’t own a pair, you can prepare by reading a CVS receipt from ten feet away.

• If you stay after the races end, you can get autographs from the jockey and the horse.

• Go big! Don’t be afraid to make that $2 bet! Hire that bodyguard to help protect your earnings! If you lose money, your bodyguard can always help with household chores.

• Don’t go on snowy days. The track is closed and the horses are home watching reruns of Friends.

• Some fans attend Oriole games in cow costumes to support Colton Cowser. It is perfectly acceptable to wear a horse costume at the racetrack. Better yet, get a full-sized one you can share with a friend. But always make sure you’re the guy in front.

If you’re looking for betting tips, you’ve come to the right place. However, I seem to have run out of space. So, I’ll pass along the same advice my father always gave me: “Buy low, sell high.” I’m not sure how that applies to horse racing, but if you figure it out, please tell me.

There you have it, straight from the horse’s mouth. Or, from somewhere between its mouth and tail. Enjoy your experience.

---

Murray Siegel is the author of MurMurings: Funny Tales of Terror and Other Desperate Cries for Help and the novel Cupid Wore Snow Boots. He is a University of Maryland graduate.